Must be nice.

Like we said, lame babies can often be found chillaxin at the beach, just generally douching it up in floppy hats, nose zinc, and wraparound shades, etc. Going around harshing people's mellow and whatnot.

But there is a fine line between that and just insensitive and the line was back there, baby. Why is it, that when the rest of us are working eight jobs just to pay the bills, have lost our homes, and are clawing our way out of credit card debt, and/or are battling cancer with no insurance - all at the same time - we have to look at pictures of your lame mug freeloading off our toil- and looking damn pleased with yourself about it?(Seriously. You are the K.Fed of babies. Are you launching a career in lame rapping, too? Is that your scheme? Because it's been done. And it's old.)

There should be a law against this, or at least an intense cultural stigma. Baby, it's time you did some serious soul-searching about how not to pollute our world with hurtful and painful crap such as this. Baby Tip #112: Together as a society, we can shun and marginalize this behavior.

You're Creepin' Me Out Now That You're Pregnant

Pregnant Women are Smug from Erika Lindhome on Vimeo.

This is an important reminder: while we here at YBIL like to go directly to the perpetrators - namely, the lame babies themselves - we always must keep in mind that it is not entirely their fault.

It's mostly their fault, but not entirely.

As our friends here give voice to, it all starts in the womb. With such mind-melting smugness emanating from these preggers' bellies, we might be surprised to think that any baby is birthed without a shit-eating grin on its face and a hipster's faculty of self-denial on its lips.

Sing it loud, Erika

Don't Harsh My Wave, Brah!

Oh, we know: life's tough for babies. All that sleeping, eating and general freeloading can really take its toll.All in all, things can get mighty stressful for an infant.

So when life gets too overwhelming, one tends to find babies hittin' up the beach. Of course, we at YBIL think this is a great idea - but you best make sure you are doing things right, and not simply ruining the (warranted) respite of all the other sun-soakers laying in the sand!

Take for instance this perp: an ill-prepared baby trying to go all aggro on these crusty waves. Too bad these waves and this baby in general are a massive Ankle Snapper. Fine... you do your thing Lame Baby - but don't expect us to put down our Danielle Steele page-turner to rescue you after a mean wipeout. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Megalomaniacs R Us, Part 1

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Cute is one thing--pretty much anything without open weeping sores can be classified as cute. But uncommonly cute? You? Dunno about that. You look pretty much like every single other lame baby we have laid eyes on--nondescript, toothless, and wearing a shirt with a CONCEITED-ass slogan. In fact, there is no way we at YBIL could tell the difference from Your Royal Lameness above and the below lame baby, who, well--see for yourself:
Miso cute? This is not only lame, but RACIST. Dear racist baby: MISO DISGUSTED by your cultural insensitivity.

We have just consulted our Japanese-speaking associate, who verified that the symbol on your shirt is actually the Japanese character for...LAME. Suck on that.

Baby Got a Touch of Swine Flu?

Baby, don't flatter yourself.

How presumptuous is that, assuming that everyone is just lining up to touch your hands. And why would I then go out of my way to wash my hands before having the privilege of touching yours? Weird. That's like some shit that Madonna might pull. Are we not allowed to make direct eye contact with you, either? You seem like one of those babies who tries to be really "chill", but is actually totally anal. And the bow hat. Aretha pulls it off because she is a REAL diva. Not you, baby. You're just a demanding JERK, and demanding jerks are also...say it all together now...LAME.

Strictly constructive criticism.

Prenancy Doesn't Make You Divine...

Yeah, we get it - You're pregnant. BIG FUCKING DEAL. It's not like you went to school for three years and had to take some excruciating multi-day certification. It's not like you saved a Golden Retriever puppy from getting run over by a bus load of Norwegian tourists. It's not like you cured macular degeneration. YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND TOOK A MAN-MUSTARD INJECTION... Wow. Way to go. I am amazed you made it through such a mentally and physically demanding challenge that probably lasted all of 45 seconds (either natural or lab-grown.)

And now we are suppose to fawn all over you. We are suppose to act like it's so incredibly difficult to get pregnant, and that you are now this pristine chalice of life -Something that deserves to be worshiped and adored.

Feel sick in the mornings? Do your feet hurt cause they are swelling? Gotta buy new clothes because you are 12 weeks along and have already put on 19 pounds? NOT MY PROBLEM. Do your job like you are suppose to and shut the hell up already.

…Oh btw - Quit using your pregnancy as an excuse to stuff your gullet each and every chance you get. When you proudly stand up at the staff party and announce that "The baby wants" an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk, a liter of Dr. Pepper, some curly fries THEN TELL THE BABY TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Now what exactly do I have to look forward to for the next two or three years..? A constant stream of verbal diarrhea such as "little Bobby went to the toilet and pooped all by himself - But he forgot to wipe and then sat on the floor to pull his pants up! It was so precious, but there was poop everywhere!" or “I'm sorry I'm 40 minutes late, you see I have a four-year-old in potty training and we had an accident." or "I don't feel comfortable doing the speed limit, my baby is only two months old - You can go around." FUCK YOU.

Two years after that and now I'm stuck behind you at the concession stand - And guess what? You feel it's important to empower your child. It doesn't matter that there are nine people behind you, you want little Bobby to make his own choice when it comes to artificially flavored processed movie snacks. By God, Bobby is special. He must be because that’s what all the Nike commercials say. There is only one Bobby and he is different from every other person on this earth. He is special by God, and he will be raised knowing he is special. And now, little Bobby has been standing there with his little index finger in his little mouth, staring at all the choices for the last FULL minute. But you aren't the type of parent to acknowledge the fact that many people are waiting for little Bobby to make up his little mind. You don't say something like "Hurry and choose something or I will choose for you" or even better “Other people are waiting, make up your mind” - Not you. Instead, you turn to the sea of humanity that has formed a marginally cohesive line behind you and look at them with an 'I'm sure you all understand' look. FUCK YOU. You are the same people that just can't put their cell phone conversation on hold for 20 seconds while you order your venti no-whip-half-caff almond latte and spinach croissant - Instead you make eye contact with the waiter and raise that index finger. The index finger which happens to be the international signal for 'I am a socially retarded fuckhead.'

One time I saw an interview with Hootie (of the Blowfish), with his wife. It was a lovely 'What does Hootie and his wife do when he's at home and not packing fans into concerts at 20 or 30% of capacity' piece on some lame ass afternoon news biopic show. Anyway Hootie’s wife starts talking about kids and how they are such a miracle and (now she is actually tearing up) and she just can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to have children and HOW SHE JUST FEELS SORRY FOR THOSE PEOPLE. Oh yes honey, feel sorry for us. Obviously we are emotionally fractured because we don't share the same fervent desire to add our particular goo to this world's collective semen cesspool...

I don't hate children. I hate the parents that think they are entitled because they have children...

(Credit and hearty THX to the unstoppable lame-dar of this visionary)

Stop it. STOP IT NOW.

How's your blood pressure been lately? Not high enough? Do you find yourself not twitching and shaking with sheer lame-induced fury not nearly as much as you would like? If so, please click here



Warning: You will be assaulted with highly offensive levels of LAME.

Dear River What'sHerFuckFromFelicity, get a haircut and a job you damn hippie. This is a phase, a phase that most of us went through while we were, ya know, teething. That shit is so 5-7 months. Not cute.





And while we're at it I am so not feeling Honor Marie Warren's swagger here. She looks like the type who squeals at her own jokes.

L to the A-M-E. More to come.